The Syndrome and the Cure
They say if you spot it, you got it and I’ve had it and spotted it in others. While I’m not completely cured, I have greatly reduced my symptoms and outbreaks and now live in much greater harmony with this elusive syndrome. I decided to call it Why Aren’t You Me? or WAYM for short.
To assist you in spotting WAYM in yourself or others, let me give you some examples to make this clearer. Here are actual phrases I’ve overheard people say:
- How could you watch that?
- What does he see in her?
- Why would she want to do drugs?
- I don’t understand why someone would live that way when she could hire someone to help her get organized!
- Why don’t you use your turn signal?
OK that last one was me but I’ve gotten a LOT better about that judgment. In effect what we are saying is: Why aren’t you me? I would do your life differently if I were you. I would have my perspective, motivations, desires and talents (not yours) if I were in charge of your life. I don’t understand how you could do/not do something. Because you are not me, I can’t make sense of your decisions.
We know intellectually that many people choose drugs or date someone we don’t like, not everyone likes to watch the same movies and we don’t all drive the same way.
And yet… take a moment to think of someone in your life who baffles you or whose life or choices are very different from yours. Do you feel stumped? Do you judge, get angry or try to convince that person to see things as you do? For one’s own good of course! Have you told someone how to properly use the word myriad? Ahem, OK that was me again. I don’t do that anymore, but I have in the past.
That cure I mentioned in the title? generate open-minded, authentic interest in who this person is. Find that place of real curiosity. Barring direct contact – with drivers on the road for example or other people not in your inner circle – remind yourself that s/he’s not me. I would watch that movie if I were him. I would do drugs if I were her. I would live in a disorganized way if I were her. How do I know? Because that is what s/he is doing!
What makes the situation worse? Judging and separating. What brings you peace? Being present and interested enough to better know someone with whom you want a deeper connection. Here are some questions that I have used:
- What do you like about that/him/her?
- What interests you about that?
- Tell me more.
- How do you benefit from ___?
- What’s going on for you right now?
Now let’s take it up a notch to bigger-picture judgments:
- How could people cut tusks off of elephants?
- Why do companies dump toxic waste?
- How is it that cops are executing people?!
Thus the dilemma: when to push your point of view. Here’s what works for me.
- Taking responsibility for my feelings and thoughts.
- Wondering if I have my own version of what I’m judging.
- Checking to see if I’m offering unsolicited advice.
- Knowing what is my business and what is not.
If you put toxic lotions on your body it’s not my business but if you dump toxins in or near my water supply, it’s my business.
What happens when the behavior of a group, a society or a corporation doesn’t feel good to me? I listen (openly), get informed (while remaining curious) and I choose when to act on those issues that are most important to me.
That is how, through history, the Berlin wall came down, South Africa’s Apartheid ended, American southern slavery and segregation were defeated and how marriage restrictions are quickly changing to marriage equality.
Inspired by brave, curious loving hearts that champion connection like that, I’m letting go of wondering why other drivers aren’t me.
It’s all improv,
Jody Kaylor
Related Quotes:
“When I argue with reality, I lose – but only 100% of the time.” – Byron Katie
“The fastest way to go crazy is to think you are having the wrong experience.” – Katie Hendricks
…or that someone else is. – Jody Kaylor
“What expectations do you have that are unrealistic?” – Leo Babauta