The Details of Life and Death
The contents of this newsletter first appeared on Your Tango yesterday.
Simple, immediate and free tips for peace of mind
Prince died without leaving a will. Imagine being one of his loved ones, grieving while having to sort through so much information. An enormous amount of time, energy and money will likely be expended by his family, and unnecessarily so – he was sick and knew he could die, and yet… Even with a will, it can take time to sort through an estate and confusion amplifies overwhelm. I’m not a lawyer, but I’ve seen people spend days, weeks, even months sorting through the elements of a loved one’s life after s/he dies.
In the movie Moonstruck, Olympia Dukakis’ character said to her husband “Cosmo, I just want you to know, no matter what you do you’re gonna die, just like everybody else.” She concluded that his character was having an affair in order to avoid facing his inevitable demise. The thing is though, it can happen at any age. My grandmother lived to 92 but my cousin died at 22 and my uncle’s entire life lasted only 6 hours. No one expected Anton Yelchin – Star Trek’s Chekov – to die in a freak accident at 27, but he did, not even 2 months ago.
Giving thought to the unthinkable, I can’t fathom leaving someone to sort through my life without a map! I have a will that covers the broad strokes but what about the immediate nitty gritty, the stuff a will may not cover? Before a recent trip to assist my father during his knee replacement surgery, I got serious about this. I created a simple document for him to fill out and he was happy to comply. Oh, and I filled one out too.
Here are some tips that may be helpful should you want to create a similar, informal document – a navigational guide in case you or a loved one should become incapacitated or die. Gather this information now and keep it handy. It will serve you well when you need to reach for it. It will also make it so much easier for caring friends to assist you.
- The WHO tips: People who might need to be informed: family, friends, doctors, lawyer, tax person and a landlord. How do you get medical information if needed? Do you have names and phone numbers at the ready? What about that hair stylist your mom has been seeing for 30 years, or your dad’s golfing buddy? There are probably many people out in the world you would gladly inform if you had the names and numbers at hand.
- The WHERE tips: Where will you find such things as keys, documents, accounts, valuables, passwords? Is there a safe deposit box at a bank or an in-home safe with a code you will need? Some people stuff jewelry in socks and jacket pockets, or hide pieces throughout their homes. You don’t want to lose family treasures while donating clothes. Who would know that I still have a bank account in Europe from when I lived there? Now they do.
- The BITS tips: Find out which companies are handling cable, insurance, yard care, HVAC care, gas and electricity, water, garbage pick-up etc. Are there any loans to pay off? Is there a real estate agent that knows your family and your home? Are there any magazine subscriptions to cancel?
- The WHAT tips: To avoid squabbles and anguish, know your loved ones’ wishes in advance for such things as organ donation, health care directives, burial, and distribution of assets. If mom always wanted you to have that ring, have her write that down. When you are grieving, you want to be freed up from detective work, unanswered questions and trying to recall conversations.
Here’s a final tip. I started asking friends what items they might want if I died suddenly and added that information to my document. Now, when I wear certain pieces of jewelry, I think of those friends and that adds to my enjoyment of the jewelry and the friendship. It also adds greatly to my peace of mind and has inspired friends to gather similar information about themselves and their loved ones. Yes, we are all going to die someday but the more peace of mind we have now, the sweeter living is.
It’s all improv,
Jody Kaylor
Related Resources:
Clip: Olympia Dukakis
Book: Five Wishes