I want to…and I don’t want to
This month in the U.S. we have the Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day so I will draw inspiration from both to speak about commitment.
I was visiting my parents in late December and my father was watching a game of American football. A man had the ball and was running toward the end zone clearly free to score a touchdown. He kept looking backwards at the player running after him while running full speed toward his goal. “Doesn’t turning his head to look the other way slow him down?” I asked.
I don’t recall his full answer and I wouldn’t tell a pro how to play a game I know little about, but the answer was yes. His body was moving in one direction and his eyes were looking the opposite way. It worked for him in this case (mostly he faced forward) but how’s that working for you?
Here are some examples. Ever wake up on a cold night at 3:00 a.m. with a full bladder and have the thought I want to (get up and use the bathroom) and I don’t want to (get out of this warm bed). Do you handle it right away and go back to sleep or lie awake uncomfortable and not sleeping? Or do the equivalent in other areas of your life? Have you had thoughts such as: I want to quit my job and I don’t want to quit my job. I want to train for and run a marathon… and I don’t want to. I want to eat that… and I don’t want to.
With many people focused on Valentine’s Day and romance in general right now, what is your commitment regarding relationships. Have you ever wanted to…and didn’t want to, be in a romantic relationship? Do you think you want one but your life shows the opposite? Do you feel ambivalent about committing fully to a relationship that you are currently in?
Your results reflect what you are committed to, not necessarily what you say you want. Your life may show you where your “…and I don’t want to.” may be stronger than your “I want to…” For example, I’m committed to taking my exercise class an average of 3 times a week. How do I know? I have a track record of doing that (when I’m in town) for over 2 years. Consistently. Am I committed to eating 100% organic, gluten-free, vegetarian etc.? No. I eat a healthful diet but I am more committed to eating what I want than to following a particular regime.
Last month I wrote about making resolutions (making commitments with yourself) and point number 4 included: Committing to something requires that all parts of you collaborate and move in the same direction. The word commit comes from com (together) mittere (to put or send) and calls for all parts of you to be on board to set forth in the direction you are choosing.
Check out this slow motion, one-minute video of a squirrel as he demonstrates I want to and I don’t want to. Note the energy required to pull himself in two directions at once. It takes a LOT of energy to avoid full commitment toward one thing.
This squirrel demonstrates the time that can be wasted, the counter-commitment (the I don’t want to), and the unnecessary extra energy consumed when a commitment is not total or wobbles along or goes in circles. Consider the moments of I don’t want to that might come up for you and make a conscious choice to recommit, cancel the commitment or change it in some way.
Here are some guidelines:
Look at an area of your life.
Locate yourself: are you fully committed? In and out? Saying one thing but doing the opposite?
Listen to what you want and are willing to do. Get clear and committed.
Leap fully in – or out. Declare your commitment.
Love yourself without judgment wherever you are in the process.
In the case of the squirrel, he wanted to give up, more than once but he committed at the start, and recommitted several times until he reached his goal. Bravo squirrel but heed the other lesson here – you can make it so much easier and quicker for yourself while feeling better in the process by gathering ALL of your energy and moving it in just one direction.
And feel free to make up a signature touchdown dance for celebrating yourself on a regular basis.
It’s all improv,
Jody Kaylor
Recommended resources:
Commitment Questions
Response-ability in Relationships