Feedback: The Good the Bad and the Ugly
The contents of this newsletter first appeared on Your Tango a couple of days ago.
What a 1960s Western Has to Do With Giving and Receiving Feedback
Feedback is a hot topic in the modern world of coaching, counseling and conscious communication. We want to be open to feedback and to give it effectively yet we don’t want to be held back from blurting what we see, or stating those hard (or happy) truths. Who’s to say what’s True though, and we must admit that we all have personalized lenses through which we are looking. If it is so, that some 90% (or more!) of feedback is projection – telling you what I see about you through my unique filters – then this concept deserves a closer look.
In Sergio Leone’s classic movie The Good, the Bad and the Ugly: ” A bounty hunting scam joins two men in an uneasy alliance against a third in a race to find a fortune in gold buried in a remote cemetery.” according to IMDB.
Perceptive, specific feedback is your buried treasure.
Everything in life is feedback – the sun in your eyes tells you to shade them; hunger pangs signal a need for fuel and that funny feeling in your gut might say that this person is not to be trusted. Wisdom and experience can help to create a track record of discerning internal feedback. We learn that getting mad at the weather doesn’t help and nor does trying repeatedly to get love from someone who doesn’t want to give it. Your intuition, mixed with wisdom and experience, can assist you in giving meaningful feedback and knowing whether the feedback you receive resonates as true. Specifics are solid gold especially if the feedback comes out as a general label.
- The Good. Saying “You look great!” is nice but still isn’t nearly as personal as “I love how that dress matches your skin tone and accentuates your waist!” When your beloved says “I love you.” don’t you want to hear specifics at least some of the time? And, as Marianne Williamson says “Your willingness to look for the best in people will subconsciously bring it forth.” Uncover that gold!
- The Bad. “You’re a jerk!” someone might say and it likely comes from an honest place of anger but it doesn’t really say anything about the thoughts and feelings behind it. Calling him a jerk isn’t going to advance the situation. Perhaps your ex is late with child support again and you are angry, scared and sad. Maybe you’re wondering how you will pay your child’s college tuition and you are drained from this ongoing battle. Say that.
- The Ugly. You could also call this one the Lazy. Sitting on that fortune in gold buried in the cemetery without digging it up. “Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.” John F. Kennedy wisely said. Calling someone a jerk or even a star is like giving an empty shopping bag – where are the thoughtful personalized contents? As a coach, friend, parent or partner, saying “You are playing big!” is similar to saying “You are playing small.” What does that mean anyway? Without personalized specifics, those popular phrases are reduced to judgments – open to interpretation on both sides. Specifics such as: “You had said you would fill out 5 job applications by Sunday and you haven’t filled out any and I feel scared.” or “You made $300,000 this year doing what you love and have no more debt, bravo!”
General words and labels are missed opportunities for deeper understanding and connection. Whether you are giving or receiving feedback, be specific. Dig up that buried gold and share it!
It’s all improv,
Jody Kaylor
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