Colin Kaepernick Holds Up the Mirror. Are We Seeing Clearly?
The contents of this newsletter first appeared on Your Tango.
7 Tips Sparked by #7
A current popular news story is that Colin Kaepernick, an American football player didn’t stand for the national anthem at a recent game. He said that he doesn’t support the oppression and poor treatment of people of color in this country, or words to that effect. This has sparked an ongoing debate that is rippling out like the eye of a storm and stirring up emotions in the wake of the coverage. In effect, he is holding up a mirror to those who are having a reaction, those who are seeing Kaepernick in the mirror and not themselves. Who creates our thoughts and feelings? We do, even when we think someone else did.
I’m taken back to the early 1970s when I decided to remain seated during the reciting of the pledge of allegiance in grade school. I felt I had the choice and didn’t like being told I had to do it. Why was I being made to stand every school day to re-pledge allegiance? Do they fear that we change our minds daily and need to re-commit? Anyway, the school’s German teacher (not my teacher) was up in arms when he heard about my choice, one that didn’t require my classmates to change their thoughts or actions. He got angry, researched rules and fought for his position – to make me recite the pledge. In the end, I was made to stand but not required to put my hand on my heart or recite the pledge.
What I see in both stories is how often people can take something personally when their own choices were never called into question. It’s as if there is an invisible button that gets established when someone – knowingly or unknowingly – takes a position vs. having an opinion that one is open to discussing and learning more about. Taking a position like: I decide what’s anti-American! or That’s the way we have always done it and that should continue without question! is a closed loop where no oxygen gets in.
When an individual says something or displays a behavior, whether to one person or to millions through television, those buttons feel pushed. The mirror gets held up. When we get upset and believe the source of discomfort is ‘over there’ then we might seek to make that individual (like Kaepernick or my 12 year-old self) change, to make us feel better.
A spokesman for his team, the 49ers, said that Kaepernick is not required to stand for the national anthem and by the way, his number is the best-selling jersey so while some may boo him, many fans support him too. Issues like this one are never clear-cut.
Breaking it down to what you can do when you think someone else is doing it wrong or making you upset, think of everyone as a mirror, giving you an opportunity for peace and self-awareness.
Here are 7 Tips Sparked by #7
- If it’s in your world, your body, your mind, it’s yours. That’s you in the mirror: Not everyone is having the same reaction as you are so righteousness can be misplaced.
- Own it. Know these are your thoughts and feelings that are there, for YOU: Feel them as yours; don’t assign them to another to fuel your position. Breathe and move your body. Think of your feelings as a beach ball you are holding. You want to throw it, assign it to the other but you are the one having the feelings.
- Get curious and ask yourself some questions about this experience: This is your exploration of what is happening for you as you notice what happens when you feel reactive.
- Notice what’s familiar whether you have done/said that or you know someone else who has: Own it if you’ve been there too or if someone else is the real target of your upset. As they say, you’re never upset for the reason you think.
- If it is unfamiliar, notice if you can learn something from it. Do you take things personally? Do you secretly envy something there that you would like to embody?
- Remain open-minded. Stay curious and discover that person’s point of view without worrying about whether you agree with it. Opinions are different from positions; they can be discussed without requiring change.
- Appreciate the person or situation for sparking greater self-awareness. If you’ve gotten this far, you probably have some desire for continued self-awareness. Appreciate yourself for wanting that and remaining open.
There’s an Amish proverb that reminds us, “Instead of putting others in their place, put yourself in their place.”
It’s all improv,
Jody Kaylor